Here is where the heart is?

It's funny how things can change. How your mind can change.

When I was growing up in Finland I didn't like it very much. I thought it was a miserable, sterile place lacking in atmosphere and sense of community. I didn't feel like I belonged there at all. Already in my early teens I started playing with the thought of going abroad to study. Especially Ireland or Scotland, which I thought of as paradise-like places with friendly people and a magnificent heritage.

And here I'm sitting today. In Scotland.

It's not that I don't like it. In my first year here I was literally blown away. I remember shakily standing at my first Celtic Connections concert not really believing that I finally was hearing "my" kind of music, the music that no-one in Finland had a clue that even existed, live.

I remember sitting in my first Gaidhlig 1B classes pretending that it was the most normal thing in the world when I again, really, failed to believe that I was learning the language I'd dreamed about learning for several years.

All that, plus everything else that came with it (read: making friends, Murano Street parties, nights out etc) and just the thought of being in a different country all made me realise that I'd never been happier.

It's just that the joy of novelty wears out. Inevitably. Always.

These days I'm sitting in Gaelic class, and it really IS the most natural (and sometimes also the most tedious) thing in the world. Sometimes I even struggle to remember why I actually found the language so fascinating.

Going to Celtic Connections is still fun, the music is still great. But how I could be so enthusiastic two years ago is also something I struggle to remember.

Though I think a night out in Glasgow still can be incredibly fun if I'm in the right mood, I've started to value other things.

And that's when I'm missing Finland.

While I, for the two past years, have been completely happy with living in a student flat of so-so standards, I have now started to long for a nice, fresh place to live which I could really call my home.

I was dreaming a few nights ago that I was waking up(does anyone else ever dream that they're waking up?) in my flat in Vasa, where I lived when I was going to the IB. A moment of calm came over me for a second, until I woke up for real and realised that I'm still in the same old room on Clouston Street, Glasgow.

That dream amazed me. I can't say that I always liked my years in Vasa I can't say very much. I was pretty lonely at times, and the schoolwork stressed the hell out of me. And here I am, missing Vasa! Not only the nice flat I had, but my actual IB days! What is happening to me?

Thing is, I'm a bit tired of Glasgow. Tired of Scotland. I'm tired of walking up and down Byres Road every single day on my way to and from university.
Tired to have to explain my linguistic background and hearing my name being pronounced wrong again and again.
I'm tired of the wet, mild weather, tired of seeing flowers bloom in the Botanic Gardens in February.

I'm dreaming of winter fresh high skies, forests in autumn, the first time you feel the sun warm your cheeks in Spring. The change of seasons.

I’m dreaming of a nice flat –of Finnish standards- - to live in.
I even – this is maybe the most amazing thing of all – miss living in a small town. For sure, anonymity is freedom, but it is also scary. The strangers in the streets actually don’t give a shit about me! And why should they?

I'm simply not from here and I never will be. I will always be some kind of outsider.
Sometimes I’m wondering if I have a stronger connection to home than other people do. Isn’t it ironic that I, who actually came to Scotland for a reason, seem to be more homesick than other international students?

I’m starting to play with the thought of going back to Finland when I’m done with my degree here. Or at least back to a similar country. Sweden wouldn’t be wrong either. I’m also imagining what it would be like if I hadn’t gone abroad at all – would I have been happier then?

That’s when I’m starting to realize that what I imagine when I think about Finland is a utopia. Not reality.

If I was at home, I’d also be walking up the same road every single day. I’d be tired of the cold, endless winter.

I would probably experience the same kind of joys and the same kind of stress as I do here, just in a different setting.


It’s impossible to feel happy all the time. And it seems to be a fundamental part of human nature to constantly want to be at a different location than your current one.

I think it’s the fact that I’m actually seeing the end of my time here that’s triggering these thoughts. Earlier, the Glasgow period seemed endless. But now in second semester, third year it’s dawning on me that I might be leaving this city in a bit more than a year.

It’s exciting, it’s scary and it’s making me realize that Glasgow isn’t everything. I might stay, I might go back to Finland, I might go somewhere else.

But right now I'm here in Glasgow. Doing my thing. What I wanted to do.

It IS impossible to feel happy the time. All I know is that I would not have been happier anywhere else. And the holidays are always there when the homesickness strikes.